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Improve your relationship by learning instead of controlling.

January 4, 2011

Let it be (D)etermined to Last: When conflict occurs you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open up to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win. We are all guilty of trying to control others into behaving the way we want. However, when we do this we wind up creating even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.

While you are in a relationship there are two major fears that become relevant: the fear of losing the other person and the fear of losing ones self. It is because of these fears that most people immediately protect themselves with controlling behavior.Β  But if you choose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fears will eventually be put to rest.

So the next time you find yourself in an argument make it a point to try to understand what the other person is feeling and WHY. The ‘why’ is the most important because this is where you will learn about your partner and their fears. It will help you to better understand how their fears are causing their actions. You both should be allowed to say your side and be completely honest.

I feel that 90% of my arguments with my boyfriend have been over mis-communication and assumptions. It is when we both hash out what is making us angry and WHY it is upsetting us that we can come to a peaceful end to a disagreement.

Also, for you stubborn B.A.D girls out there, doing this doesn’t mean you didn’t win or weren’t ‘right’ in the argument. If you are right this will allow for an easy victory. ;-)

Share with me your thoughts and opinions on this topic, I love to hear from you!

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. Lady M. permalink
    January 4, 2011 10:51 am

    I agree with you 100%. I have been trying to do this as often as possible in my relationship and EVERYTIME I do it helps so much. It clears up the confusion and really helps me to understand why my boy friend is buggin haha. Thank you for such great content and advice!

    xoxo
    Lady M.

    • January 4, 2011 5:56 pm

      I am so happy that you do this. It really does help solve those annoying and unnecessary arguments. Thanks for showing love! :)

  2. January 4, 2011 2:18 pm

    Love this! Communication is key in all relationships without that..it would be almost impossible to grow.
    <3 LP

  3. nina permalink
    January 4, 2011 7:11 pm

    ::Thumbs up::
    You got SKILLS girl!!!!!

  4. January 6, 2011 12:06 pm

    Now if I could figure out to get my S.O. to cross the street when I do without triple checking my decisions. I guess we should just talk that out, right?

    Good post.
    :)

    • January 6, 2011 1:13 pm

      Hey!! Isn’t it just unfair when love becomes a battle of wills, a proof that the other needs more than the other.

      This was my ex and now I realise that we could never work because instead of getting to the root of the problem, we just wanted to hurt the others feelings, causing bitter displays of anger/laziness towards the other.

      I vow next time something is pissing me off, to tell them outright, and why its pissing me off! Then the problem is laid bare and I’ll leave it up to the other person to solve it!

      BTW add me on your blog roll please :)xxx

      • January 7, 2011 1:04 pm

        Hi! Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing.

        This happens a lot and I can admit that I am guilty of the same. But I hope that you do try and take this approach the next tiem you find yourself in argument. It really does help clear the air and kind of force the person in the wrong to drop the shit! ;-)

        I look forward to checking out your blog!

        xoxo

    • January 7, 2011 1:02 pm

      That could possible help the situation. Maybe she has a fear of crossing public streets and highways?

  5. January 7, 2011 9:16 am

    I like the point you have focused on…Really good.

    • January 7, 2011 1:01 pm

      Thank you so much for stopping by and for the ping back also! :)

  6. January 7, 2011 12:01 pm

    This is really interesting and a great point! Miss communication is a big problem for me…I’m definitely going to put this to use next time.

    -Lucky

    • January 7, 2011 1:00 pm

      It seriously happens way more times than I can count. If people just stop the BS and get down to the root they will see that the argument could have been avoided with better communication. Please let me know if you were able to try this out next time!

      Thanks for stopping by and showing love!! :)

      xoxo

  7. Red permalink
    January 11, 2011 9:40 am

    Such simple truths that we all know but that are so easy to forget. Great post!

    • January 11, 2011 9:45 am

      Thank you so much for stopping by and showing love! Glad you liked my post! :)

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  1. Improve your relationship by learning instead of controlling. (via Style Me B.A.D) « anttor
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